Wedding Etiquette Question: My parents are divorced and remarried and have been for the past 15 years. This means I have 4 sets of grandparents on my side of the family alone. I am getting married on 8/15/09 and need to know the proper wedding etiquette and traditional ways of walking down the isle. Who walks first…the grooms parents or the brides and in what order? Should grandparents walk the isle and in what order? Last year my brother got married and because of the order of walking down the isle some people were offended and have not spoken to each other since then. I do not want this to happen at my wedding. I have read many articles none of which coincide with my dilemma. Please help!! Luvetta
Luvetta,
Pleasing all members of a blended family while following proper etiquette is a tricky task. The best way to handle this situation is to have it all planned out well before the day of the ceremony.
You must first understand seating protocol in order to decide how it applies to your situation.
First – the brides parents always sit in the first pew on the left and the grooms parents in the first pew on the right. Grandparents or special family members in the corresponding second pews. In years past this was sufficient etiquette but with the emergence of blended families more detail is need.
Second – Processing the grandparents down the aisle has no real basis in etiquette. This is done because the bride or groom wants to not because protocol dictates it.
Third – The grooms parents are escorted down the aisle first. The usher will escort the groom’s mother with his father walking behind them. Then the usher will escort the bride’s mother. Then of course the groom’s attendants will take their place and then bride’s attendants and so forth.
With all of that said, you must now apply those principles to your blended family needs. The Emily Post’s wedding etiquette book outlines several options based on how the families relate to one another.
However, after reading several other sources this is the option I find the most appealing.
As guests arrive have the grandparents seated but not processed. When you have several grandparents processing them down the aisle can be time-consuming. Instead, either have them in their seats before guests arrive or seat them as guests arrive. Place all grandparents and step-grandparents in the second and third pews on their respective sides. If you have a particular grandparent whom you are very close to make sure they are seated closer to the aisle. By using two grandparent pews on each side they can chose where they want to sit yet still be in a place of honor. You can also use these pews for special family members.
As for parents seat them in the first pew. Process the bride’s step-mother first where she will sit away from the aisle position. Then process the groom’s step-mother with the groom’s father(if not a groomsman) following her and the usher away from the aisle position. Then the groom’s mother with the usher and step-father following behind. Then the bride’s mother escorted by the usher with step-father following behind. The step-father will slide into the pew first followed by the bride’s mother who will sit next to the aisle. After the bride’s father escorts her down the aisle he will take his place next to his wife (a trick for this is to enter at the opposite end of the pew). This format fulfills the etiquette requirements yet allows for more than one set of parents on each side.
However, if the parents can not set aside their difference for one day and can not be seated together there is another option. Use the first and second pews to seat the parents during the wedding ceremony and the third and fourth pews for grandparents or other distinguished guests. The proper etiquette would then be to seat the mothers in the first pews and the fathers in the second with their respective spouses. Maternal grandparents are seated before paternal grandparents according to traditional etiquette.
The main consideration is to place the people whom you feel the closest to nearest to you during the ceremony. So follow the etiquette as closely as you can but it is your day and your preference. However, you need to make your preferences know in advance to all parties involved. This will elevate confusion on the day of the wedding.
This is where a wedding coordinator can be very useful both will deciding the protocol and implementing it. The wedding planner can make your wishes know while removing you as the bad guy should someone not like the protocol you have chosen.
This is truly the best answer and it really helps simplify a complicated situation. Thank you so very much.
Thank you so much for your help. My daughter’s fiance’s family is divorced and re-married and I didn’t have a clue what to do.
My step daughter is 29 and has a 4 year old and lived with boyfriend 5 years. They are getting married. My husband the father has been divorced from the mother for 25 years. My husband the father have been married for 16 years. The brides mother my husbands ex-wife want’s my husband (father) to walk her into the reception and sit with her at the head table. I feel this is very wrong and I don’t think I will be able to go to the wedding now. I don’ know if I can forgive my husband (father)? Please answer asap.
I can appreciate how you feel. After years of dealing with a ex-spouse every family function becomes a territorial dispute. But the real issue here is not what the mother of the bride wants but what the bride herself wants. This is the bride’s special day and despite what you or her mother want it should be all about her.
However if you follow etiquette protocol, the parents do not sit at the head table. The head table is reserved for the bride, groom and their attendant (& spouses). There should be separate tables for the parents and grandparents. These tables (one for each set of family members)are placed nearest to the head table.
As for the entrance to the reception hall, divorced parents should enter separately and in order as they will appear in the receiving line should there be one.
Receiving line etiquette goes as follows:
In a traditional line, the members goes in this order – wedding hosts (brides parents with mother first then father) groom’s mother and father, the bride and groom, the maid of honor and bridesmaids. If a small wedding party groomsmen can be included after bridesmaids.
However, if the parents are divorced they do not stand in line together. Instead the line goes like this – The parent & step-parent who host the wedding are nearest to the bride and groom. Divorced couples are separated by couples from the other side of the family – Usually in this fashion bride’s mother & step-father next to groom’s mother and step-father then bride’s step-mother and father followed by groom’s step-mother and father.
The best way to handle this situation would be to take your and the mothers wishes and feeling out of the equation. Ask the bride what she really wants. If for one day in her life she would like the undivided attend and united support of her parents, what harm can it do?
Remember at the end of the day her father will be going home with you and her mother will be going to her own home.
If the parents of the bride are divorced but get along well and the mother of the bride has a fiance where would the fiance sit during the ceremony? The father of the bride is not bring anyone to the wedding. also, should the mother of the bride be escorted by her fiance when the wedding party is announced at the reception?
This is very helpful and sensitive advice.
Other sites have said to sit the parent you like best in the front row and the one you like less in the third row. With the grandparents in between. A bride posted that her and her fiance did not much like his mother so she would be in the third row. That may be the bride’s wish, but I would hope they are not counting on any inheritance from the mother’s side of the family in this life time.
Kidding aside, the couple have a long life ahead of them and may wish that their parents in turn act as grandparents to their own children and using the wedding as an opportunity to punish a parent by means of public humiliation might not be the most prudent choice and is certainly not the kindest.
Simone,
Pleasing all members of a blended family while following proper etiquette is a tricky task. Since the bride’s parents get along, I think it may be appropriate if the fiance sits with the mother of the bride during the ceremony and escorts her during the wedding party announcement. However, if you’re somewhat concerned on how the father will feel, talk with him first. You can always sit the father in the first pew and the mother and her finance in the second pew as well. The main consideration is to place the people whom you feel the closest to nearest to you during the ceremony.
My parents are divorced and my father is remarried. My father feels as he is paying for the wedding he should sit on the aisle seat. Now the problem is when my mother and stepmother are seated which one is seated first. I’ve heard answers to both. My stepmother has planned my entire wedding and has been disrespected and taken advantage of the entire time so my father feels she should be seated before my bridesmaids but my mother feels like I’m taking away her day. I’m not sure which one to please.
I am widowed grandparent. My ex wife was seated with an escort in row 2. I was to precede her and sit by myself in row 3. Is the proper protocall or would it be acceptable that I sit/escort with ex wife. I would prefer.
My son is getting married and his father and I have divorced for 7years. His father is remarried but I am not I am being told it is inappropriate for me to be seated with his dad AND SECOND WIFE. is THIS TRUE?
Teresa,
If you and your son’s father are on good terms, it is okay to all sit on one pew. If you aren’t on good terms however, the seating would be you on the first pew and him and his wife on the second pew. You can also ask your son what he would prefer. It all depends on whether it would be uncomfortable to all sit together.
I just attended my daughter’s second wedding and my husband and I were told to just have a seat. We started to sit and we’re quickly sit on other side away from my grandchildren and x husband and his wife. My grandson came over and said he needed to walk me down the aisle. I went to the back with him and he had also collected my x husband’s wife. He had been told by my daughter to walk both together. So I walked down the aisle with the woman who my husband was dating when I divorced him and the woman who was mean to my children for years. The only picture of me was a snapshot of that sight and it was on facebook. No problems with my daughter before wedding. I was humiliated.
Should the Step Mother of the Groom be walked down the isle? The mother is still living. If so. what is the correct order?
Hi Erica,
The step-mother of the groom is normally escorted down the aisle. The groom’s step-mother will go first, with the groom’s father (if not a groomsman) following her and the usher will seat them away from the aisle position. Then the groom’s mother with the usher and step-father following behind, seated closest to the aisle. This format fulfills the etiquette requirements yet allows for more than one set of parents on each side.
However, if the parents can not set aside their difference for one day and can not be seated together, there is another option. Use the first and second pews to seat the parents during the wedding ceremony. Seat the groom’s mother and step-father on the first pew, and the groom’s father and step-mother on the second pew. Most importantly, have the people you feel closest to nearest to you during the ceremony. Just make sure everybody is aware of your choice before the ceremony, so there is no confusion. Hope this helps!
Who actually walks the mother down the aisle? My son wants to and then go up and stand near the podium. His father and I are divorced but we are on good terms. I don’t know if he seeing someone or not . I am seeing someone but he will not attend the wedding out of respect for my son’s father. My son had also mentioned that he and the best man would walk me down the aisle because his best man is like a son to me. What are your thoughts ?
Hi Roberta,
I think it is wonderful that your son wants to walk you down the aisle! This is becoming very common, as many sons are close with their mothers. Generally, an usher will escort the groom’s mother down the aisle with his father following. Since you are divorced, but on good terms, I think it would be fine for your son to escort you while his father follows. As far as the groom and his best man both escorting you, this would be fine also. There have also been occasions where both of the groom’s parents will escort him up the aisle to his place at the front. Ultimately, the decision is up to your son and future daughter-in-law.
Best Wishes!
Thank you so much for your quick response. Your input will be very helpful!!
My son’s wedding is in 2 weeks. My daughter is a bridesmaid and my husband is best man. There will be no grandparents on our side of the family (deceased or live too far away). I really don’t want to sit on the front row alone! Is it OK for my siblings to sit on the front row with me (5 people)? They will not process in, but will already be seated. Then my husbands siblings on the second row? It will make for a full first and second row, but without grandparents they are the people closest to the groom.
Hi Jenny,
Although it isn’t traditional, as long as the bride and groom are fine with you and your husband’s siblings being seated on those rows, then it is perfectly acceptable!
My daughter is being married at Christmas far out of town. Her father and I have been divorced for 12 years. She wants us to sit together at the wedding and is not even sure if the man I have been dating for three years should be even invited. My ex always pretends I do not exist and makes any occasion we are in the same room uncomfortable for everyone with his rudeness. He is not helping with any expenses. I am. What is the proper seating etiquette for this situation? I think I should sit alone on first pew and ex should sit in second. I understand completely if she does not want my fellow to sit up front, but think it is rude not to invite him at all since it is Christmas and we would normally spend it together. I do not want any drama to mar her day, but I am concerned about hurting my guy’s feelings. My sister and her family will attend and I am thinking they should be on third row.
Hi Linda,
It sounds like you are in a tricky situation. Traditionally, for divorced parents that are not re-married or do not get along, the mother would be seated on the first row, with the father seated on the second. However, it is ultimately the bride’s decision. It is her special day. I would talk to your daughter and express your concern, but in the end, the seating will be up to her.
My step-son is getting married. My step-son is escorting his mother and my husband is escorting me next. We are sitting on the first row together. My husband is the best man and will be escorting his exwife on one arm and me on the other after the wedding. I get along great with his exwife but feel this is award being escorted together after the wedding. Should I just go along with it or say something? Thanks!
Hi Kathy,
While I’m sure that situation could be awkward, I would just go along with it. It will only take up a very short time of the wedding, and after it’s over you can celebrate your step-son’s marriage with friends and family.
My daughter is getting married in a month. I have given her a large sum of money to her for her wedding as her father has. She told me the wedding planner has the procession in as follows: Her little brother (with her father’s second wife), her grandfather and her sister, then me ( MOB) and then my ex husband and his 4th wife. Her father will then go back and walk her down the aisle. I do not know the wedding planner, but my 30 year old daughter insists this is the proper order. I am feeling hurt by this, and am hoping you could help.
Hey Carrie,
It’s very understandable that you would be upset by this. While this wedding planner might have the best intentions, it would be best for an usher to walk down your ex-husband’s 4th wife and for him to walk down the aisle with the bride. This allows the father of the bride’s focus to be solely on the bride for her wedding day. Traditionally, siblings are seated before grandparents, then grandparents are seated before step-parents, and then step-parents before biological parents. Hope this helps and best wishes to the soon-to-be newlyweds!
I am getting married in less than a year and would like to know etiquette for walking my stepmother and mother down the aisle. My mother is remarried and I do not get along with my stepfather. My dad and my stepmother are very important to me. I am in fact closer to my stepmother right now than I am with my mother.. My dad has been with my stepmother since I have been two years old.- (27 years). She is very special to me and this is my day but what do I do.? They say wedding etiquette is to have the mother at the aisle in the first row, but because I have such strong feelings for my stepmother, I really would like her to be a part my wedding as well. Because I do not like my stepfather and I’m only inviting him to the wedding because my mother is married to him, that’s another question. Should he just be sent to the pew and my mother gets walked up or what? I don’t want him walking down the aisle and getting all the attention that he does not deserve. My father and stepmother have been an integral part of my life and I rather attention go to my stepmother than my stepfather.
The main question here is about my stepmother whom I am very close to. What pews and what order and who should be walked up first and last and what pews should they be sitting in?
Is it wrong to I want my stepmother walked up as part of the wedding as well? I would really like that. On another note, my mother despises my stepmother. Help?
Hi Mary! Kacie with Wedding and Party Network here. First, I wanted to let you know that “wedding etiquette” is just a guideline. This is your day and you get to spend it however you want! Second, We think it’s a beautiful idea to have your stepmother included. And if you’d like her to, there is nothing wrong with having her sit in the first row. What I would recommend is having an usher (typically a person in the wedding party or groomsman if you have any) walk both your mother and stepmother down the aisle separately. Typically whoever has a closer relationship to you will walk down the aisle closer to the end, so that they can sit more towards the middle of the pew (since the first to walk to the aisle goes all the way to the end of the pew). If you have grandparents, you can have them walk down in between your mother and stepmother so that they do not have to walk one after the other. Overall, your stepmother is family and if you want her to sit in the family pews, you should do it!