Etiquette Matters: Do I List My Deceased Mom On The Invitation?

I had a friend ask me this a few weeks ago when she was planning her wedding. Her wedding invitations were gorgeous but the script for each was becoming a chore. Her biggest question when asking for my help was "do I still put mom's name on the invitations?" Her mother has been deceased for a few months.

I wanted to say "no" immediately but I knew that it was a sensitive issue. It's still a pretty fresh wound for her so I didn't want to write it off so fast. Instead, I gave her the options that wedding etiquette provides and asked if those would be acceptable.

First, it is not acceptable to put a deceased person's name on the invitation. Instead, the surviving spouse (if there is one) is noted. This is because the wedding invitations typically list only those who are hosting the wedding. While her mother undoubtedly shared in her joy on the wedding day, she was unable to be with us and therefore could not be listed on the invitations. This did not please my friend so I gave her several other options that did not go against the grain of wedding etiquette.

• Ask guests for a charitable contribution in the deceased's name in lieu of wedding gifts
• Include the deceased in a wedding toast, or let the toastmaster know that this would be nice
• Choose the deceased's favorite wedding cake flavor, place a small note beside the cake explaining this
• Cutting a piece of cake in honor of the deceased and either eating it later or presenting it to the surviving spouse

There are many other options that make it a sweet, honorable thing to pay tribute to the deceased. I felt especially compelled to find some way to pay tribute to my friend's mother because she was such a special lady. She raised a great daughter and we both cared deeply for her mother. We knew that we couldn't include

We wanted to keep a line of distinction between a wedding celebration and a memorial, so we chose to honor my friend's mother with a wedding cake tribute. The second tier of my friend's cake was chocolate fudge with vanilla buttercream icing. My friend and her groom (who was also close to her mother) cut a piece together after eating their own piece. They presented it to my friend's father which was sweet because he had not remarried. Had he, we may have considered something else.